5:30

Why is there never anyone for me to talk to at 5:30 in the morning? I don't want to be awake. I didn't want to be awake several hours ago. I want to be in bed, asleep with the boy I love. I want to wake up in a couple of hours and complain about his alarm clock, and be all drowsy while he gets ready for work, and get kisses when he leaves, and then wake up an hour later. I wish I had fallen asleep in his arms, instead of curling up on the couch with a book. I want to win the lotto so we can both be nocturnal and I wouldn't have to grumble about his alarm clock or worry about finding a job rightthismoment.
Life has suddenly gotten much more complicated. I don't know how we're going to make it through. I need a job, I need it now. I need the paycheck now, actually, the job part can wait.
I keep wanting to write, but I don't know how to say the things I want, and I think I've covered this already, but it's still true. I don't even know where to try and get published and my stuff is crap anyhow. Ok, and I know that's crap, but nothing is going right at all anymore, and just when I think everything has gone to pieces and it can't get worse, it does. It does and I wonder if I'm being punished, or if everything really does happen for a reason and this all part of some plan that will work out for the best any moment now.