Crunch

School is going well. Everytime I start to feel less than adequate a professor will be excited by something I've said, or I get a paper back with marks far better than I was expecting. I havent' missed any deadlines, and I am actually working ahead on things. I still feel crunched, though. I am crumpled. I feel like the paper wrapper on a straw that has been completely compressed around the straw's bottom. I have all of this straw stretching out before me, but, for some crazy ass reason, I am scrunched down into near nothingness.
Andrew is, as always, incredibly supportive. So are my friends. Sadly, I'm not seeing everyone so much as I'd like. It seems odd, in the past I have practically lived at Val's place, but now I haven't even seen her or the family in well over a week. I've missed HFS two weeks in a row, now. First I had a headache from hell. It felt like a lovely little proto-migraine, waiting to fully flower from semi-blinding pain to full blinding pain. Last week I was working on the story that wouldn't end. When it did end, late Sunday night, it clocked in roughly fifteen hundred words beyond our maximum word count. I did finally manage to cut it down by about twelve hundred words, but it was cutting it close. It hurts to have to go through and cut down what you thought was sparse to begin with. But this weekend I will be there, and hopefully will get the ball rolling on my squire project. I am feeling antsy about my squireship. It feels like I am off to a rough start. I'm hoping to change, this, though. Maybe seeing my friends on Saturday will be just what I need to feel like I can stretch out.

5:30

Why is there never anyone for me to talk to at 5:30 in the morning? I don't want to be awake. I didn't want to be awake several hours ago. I want to be in bed, asleep with the boy I love. I want to wake up in a couple of hours and complain about his alarm clock, and be all drowsy while he gets ready for work, and get kisses when he leaves, and then wake up an hour later. I wish I had fallen asleep in his arms, instead of curling up on the couch with a book. I want to win the lotto so we can both be nocturnal and I wouldn't have to grumble about his alarm clock or worry about finding a job rightthismoment.
Life has suddenly gotten much more complicated. I don't know how we're going to make it through. I need a job, I need it now. I need the paycheck now, actually, the job part can wait.
I keep wanting to write, but I don't know how to say the things I want, and I think I've covered this already, but it's still true. I don't even know where to try and get published and my stuff is crap anyhow. Ok, and I know that's crap, but nothing is going right at all anymore, and just when I think everything has gone to pieces and it can't get worse, it does. It does and I wonder if I'm being punished, or if everything really does happen for a reason and this all part of some plan that will work out for the best any moment now.

Damn!

So I'm reading Gilmore Girls recaps, and Lane is drunk and just called her mom and confessed to ebing in love with her rocker, non-Korean boy, and bam server screw-up! Ok... fine, I'll just move on to the next episode. No. TWoP is down. *grief* I should really consider fixing my sleep schedule. We went to bed at 2 last night, but slept all day once again, even though I woke up at 10. I was just so comfy. *sigh*
I'm feeling nervous and scared about a bunch of things. I don't know what to do about any of them. I keep trying to plan my future, but the plans keep getting changed. Nothing is as simple as it should be. Is this what I thought would happen when I grew up? Hell no. I'm supposed to be getting my master's right now, and getting ready to enter a Ph.D. program. Oh, and be married. And... so I revised. But that's not even working. I just want to have a plan I can stick to. I want things to be simple. They aren't, though. I do know that Andrew is the most understanding, loving person I could be with. I really don't know why he hasn't freaked out more about the things I say or do. I guess he knows I love him, and he trusts me completely. I never thought I'd be trusted like this, not after some of the shit I've pulled. He does trust me, though. I'm not going to screw it up, either. At least, I'm going to try not to. It's pretty hard sometimes. And I remind myself that a bit of adventure and that wonderful feeling of fluttering in my stomach is not worth giving up the one for sure thing in my life. I should be writing right now, but I feel like my fiction would be too close to my reality. I want a cigarrette. I'm supposed to help John quit, but the last week has just made me really want to start up again. Things are going to get real interesting come August. I know that one for sure.